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Kink Identity—Is it Fluid? By Rosalyn Dischiavo, EdD, MA, CSES Those who understand sexual orientation in deeper ways tend to talk about it as a fluid state throughout the lifetime, recnontre people falling into points on Agdnce spectrum—some remain fairly consistently attracted Agence rencontre rouen one sex or rencintre throughout renconte, but many people find that their orientation Agene about renconttre they age, whether or not their renconttre follows suit.
I have been wondering the same about kink BDSM. My first riuen is about identity itself. We have so many parts of our identities, rrncontre those Agenve talk about, and those we feel strongly about, can shift and change in a healthy person. Some we will keep for a lifetime: Agence rencontre rouen which ones we lead with—those we talk about, own, pride ourselves in, or discuss—shift as they move in and out of importance rencontrr us, or up and Agence rencontre rouen our list of priorities. I have seen interesting identifying behavior among groups of people, and Renxontre find it fascinating that at various points in our lives, we Women masturbate gifs feel that a particular rencohtre of ourselves is strong enough to warrant a place in our identities.
As a drug remcontre alcohol professional for most of my young career, I observed, for instance, that people in early sobriety Agwnce to identify strongly as a recovering addict or alcoholic. Though anonymity is strongly valued in this community, those who are newly sober or clean often eschew or ignore this anonymity in favor of holding fast to this new identity. Yet as people stay sober or clean, the recovery identity, though it may still be a very important part of their lives, may become less primary.
Although orientation is not an illness like alcoholism, it has historically been stigmatized in similar ways, and I notice a similar pattern in identification as gay, lesbian, bi, pansexual and even transgendered folks, though this is outside the realm of orientation. When people first come out, their orientation can be a very important part of their identity, and it may be a big part of their discussion as well as a way they can easily identify with others.
Part of this phenomenon is how hard-won the queer identities often are. People face prejudice and discrimination, even violence, so perhaps strong identification is also a part of this process—pride in our bravery, our courage, and our persistence in the face of adversity. If I identify, I may be able to join a community with those identities, and garner much-appreciated support.
They may focus more on career, or family. They can get tired of people never being able to see past the queer or trans aspects of themselves to the other interesting parts of their personalities and their lives. I have so many gay and lesbian friends over 40 who have shared with me that if they came out now, they would come out at bisexual or pansexual. People who identify as kinky have a similar path in many instances. When they first allow themselves to be openly kinky, they may talk about it all the time.
They may spend hours discussing their kink within trusted circles, attend alt-conference after alt-conference, or spend hours on FetLife. They literally ask people how they identify. Even more than with orientation, I see kinksters as often fluid—both in behavior and in identities. The reverse can also be true. Apart from roles, kink itself can also be a transitory state. But her natural flow was away from kink at that point.
Some people are kinky for a time, and then more traditional in their sexual practices. Relationships, too, can begin as kinky and end up more vanilla over time—and is it really so surprising? Healthy human beings change and flow over a lifespan. Our needs change, our partners change, our relationships to ourselves and our communities change.
This flow, this fluidity, can be unnerving for those whose identities may be shifting a bit. It can even become a full-blown identity crisis. Like queer folks, kinksters have often fought long and valiantly against being pathologized and demonized. The fight is still on for acceptance in Western society. It can be terrifying. Perhaps part of our jobs as professionals in the sexuality field is to recognize the natural ebbs and flows of not only orientations, but also gender, kink and other alt identities.
These shifts and growth spurts are all part of being healthy, whole human beings. We can normalize the fluidity of identity.